22 Things I Learned from The Mummy

1. Iraq is full of crows.

2. Every blockbuster should open with news reports about the progress of Crossrail.

3. Ancient Egyptians dumped their problems in Persia.

4. There’s no problem so big it can’t be solved with an airstrike.

5. Birds fly at the cruising altitude of a military cargo plane.

6. There’s only one parachute on military cargo planes.

7. Medieval England is back in vogue (see also King Arthur and Transformers: They Keep Coming).

8. There’s a secret hideout for monster hunters under Aldwych.

9. It’s not an easter egg if it gets a close-up.

10. The only way to establish the setting is a female public toilet is through a prominently placed tampon dispenser.

11. The words ‘sarcophagus’ and ‘hieroglyphics’ are impenetrable archaeological jargon.

12. Having four irises is scary, apparently.

13. Big Ben is in the Square Mile.

14. In the midst of an apocalyptic, city-destroying sandstorm London’s tubes will continue to run.

15. There’s always an ancient ritual.

16. Which will always be interrupted.

17. Tom Cruise cares too much.

18. Russell Crowe cares not at all.

19. Charlie Day wasn’t picking up the phone (but Jake Johnson was).

20. It’s ok to ‘liberate’ precious antiquities from the Middle East with no consent, care, or paperwork.

21. It’s ok to be a total liability as long as you’re in charge.

22. It's not ok to copy the Marvel Business Model with a completely unrelated series of properties in another genre and expect an automatic hit.