1. Elvis songs, CGI prairie dogs, Soviet spies, area 51 and drag races do not sit well beside one another. And that’s just the first five minutes.
2. The effects of the Holy Grail have been greatly exaggerated. Downright lied about, it turns out.
3. FBI agents wear matching ties. And, once laboriously introduced, vanish into bureaucratic air.
4. Man-gets-hit-in-the-crotch-by-fast-moving-foliage jokes are funny.
5. By climbing inside a fridge you can survive a … no, I’m not writing that down, it’s just too silly.
6. It’s been a while since Karen Allen worked for a reason.
7. South American sanatoriums are really quite spacious, and the management take a relaxed view to in-room vandalism.
8. Russians keep rocket-propelled grenade launchers (loaded, of course) in the same place as highly dangerous captives.
9. It takes but one burly extra to sate an entire colony of flesh-eating ants.
10. Ray Winstone knows a place to get lighters which work after having been submerged in water several dozen times.
11. A been-there-done-that archaeologist has trouble identifying a rapier.
12. The Amazon is full of parallel roads.
13. Cate-Blanchett-gets-a-magnetic-erection jokes are really, really funny, and probably unintended.
14. That is the janitor from Scrubs.
15. John Hurt needs a new dentist.
16. Shia LaBeouf needs a new hairdresser.
17. Jim Broadbent needs to learn how to say no.
18. The mythical city of El Dorado was actually … no, I’m not writing that down, it’s just too silly.
19. George Lucas is a toxic human being lacking any creative idea which doesn’t involve moving vehicles, jumping, clanging scenery, jumping, swarms of things, and jumping.
20. The desire for knowledge is punishable by unpleasant immolation; the desire for material wealth is an admirable, rakish pursuit.
21. Some franchises retire for a reason.
22. This movie will result in neither fortune nor glory for anyone involved.
2 comments:
22a Cracking a whip is like riding a bike - apparently. Although speed is lost with increasing age...
22b Remember if you go see this film, you will never get those two hours of your life back.
23. The bigger the scorpion the better.
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