1. It’s okay to kill a hairless cat.
2. Thirty years after the end of the world it’s still worth checking the taps for running water.
3. Jeopardising a mission to save mankind by sidetracking to charge your iPod is not the action we expect of a stoic protagonist.
4. KFC, Motorola and General Motors will survive the apocalypse, their marketing departments remarkably intact.
5. Once you go black, you go Christian.
6. The hero always enters the town in slow motion.
7. The hero always enters the bar in slow motion.
8. Gary Oldman is at his most entertaining when he is channelling the ghost of Jack Lemmon.
9. You don’t need a seatbelt if you’re pretty.
10. There’s always a quirky, fidgety guy who’s good with electrical appliances (preferably to be played by Tom Waits).
11. End-of-the-world settlements will be ruled over by a faux-intellectual despot and populated by a bunch of illiterate thugs (see also The Postman, 28 Days Later).
12. There may not be any water or food in this world but there is plenty of petrol.
13. Having a character whistle Ennio Morricone does not a clever Western pastiche make.
14. Two fight scenes and two exploding cars does not an action film make.
15. Ponderously dull and literal scripting does not an art film make.
16. Casting the woman who voices Meg Griffin in Family Guy as the love interest somewhat undermines whatever credibility your listless production may have initially had.
17. Shooting Denzel Washington in the chest only makes him stronger (see also Man On Fire).
18. It is possible to make an entire film about the bible without understanding one word of it.
19. Malcolm McDowell is making a career out of being the last straw.
20. Endings which sacrifice logic, characterisation and the moral lessons of all that has gone before at the altar of “looking cool” are somewhat frustrating.
21. If you couldn’t get enough of the trash-punk vehicles, windswept desert vistas and imperative-free plotting on offer in Terminator Salvation, this should certainly be for you.
22. For everyone else, you’re better off reading a book.
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