22 Things I Learned From ‘Sherlock Holmes’

1. Having a limp that requires a cane in no way hampers fighting, wrestling or running.

2. Rachel McAdams takes forever to put on a dressing gown.

3. Beginning a story in media res is both bracing and dramatically convenient.

4. Giant comedy henchmen impervious to punches, kicks or several electrocutions are funny.

5. The sewers beneath Parliament are easy to access, lead directly to the top of Tower Bridge, and travelling from one landmark to the other takes only a few seconds on foot.

6. Obscuring the villain’s face in shadow is not an acceptable cinematic device.

7. A dog farting is not an acceptable comedy punch line.

8. An antiquated ambi-pure machine full of poison is not an acceptable dramatic crux.

9. It’s only appropriate that Sherlock Holmes resemble Peter Falk, since the nineteenth century detective is really just an earlier incarnation of Columbo.

10. It’s hard to get excited about the possibility of a cabal of elderly white gentleman wrestling control of Britain from another cabal of elderly white gentleman.

11. Guy Ritchie never met a fight he wouldn’t rather see in super slo-mo.

12. Composer Hans Zimmer’s score is so good that it must be played as loud as possible, preferably obscuring sound effects, dialogue, and the thought process of the audience.

13. Construction work on a major London landmark is never undertaken in the middle of a weekday.

14. No one wears shirts quite like Robert Downey Jr.

15. There’s always a lower ledge.

16. Somebody always puts their foot in a loop of rope.

17. The celebratory glass of wine is always drugged.

18. Bare knuckle fighting is a purely cerebral exercise.

19. In these kinds of things, wife-to-be characters require neither distinguishing characteristics of any kind nor chemistry with their betrothed.

20. Conclusive – or even remotely satisfying – endings are not necessary when riding the train to franchise-ville.

21. If Arthur Conan Doyle had co-written a Bond movie with the makers of ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’ this is what it would look like.

22. That this exercise in faux-retro steam-punk blockbusterised nonsense is as entertaining as it turns out to be is something of a miracle, and a welcome one.