1. It’s easy to sneak onboard a military flight
with a robot the size of a fridge freezer.
2. Oxford, Westminster, and the White Cliffs of
Dover are minutes apart.
3. Decommissioned submarines come fully
equipped with pickled ginger and grated radishes.
4. Transformers have been on Earth for several
thousand years, arbitrarily intervening in our wars to keep themselves busy. Only
the tireless efforts of Albert Einstein, Frederick Douglass and others have
kept their presence hidden.
5. Oxford lectures take place while – and
indeed, consist solely of – wandering around museums making snide remarks about
history.
6. Astrophysicists
speak only in simplistic metaphors, and refer to these loudly and grandly as
‘physics’ (eg ‘Like Tiger Woods taking a swing: physics!’; ‘Earth will cook
like a bag of popcorn in a microwave: physics!’).
7. Transformers can now reassemble themselves
when they’re dismembered.
8. Except when they can’t.
9. English women find it acceptable to spy on
the passionate lovemaking of their relatives.
10. Transformers hang out in Cuba because they
seek both non-extradition territories and places to tan.
11. Stonehenge was at the exact centre of Pangaea.
12. There’s always a mysterious artefact.
13. There’s always a prophecy.
14. There’s always an air strike (or twelve).
15. There’s always a secret message hidden in
the childhood relic from the father who you always thought neglected you.
16. There’s always a bit where Anthony Hopkins
says ‘dude’, ‘bitch’, or ‘bro’. Oh no wait, that one’s new.
17. Two films in and already Mark Wahlberg
looks bored.
18. There’s only one female Transformer, and
she’s a villainous temptress from deep space with the power to warp men’s
minds.
19. Which does beg the question: where did
these baby Dinobots come from?
20. The headquarters of the European Space
Agency look a lot like London’s City Hall; Sir John Soane’s Museum is a private
residence; and London streets consist of nothing but one intersection near
Bank, the Mall, and Westminster Bridge, repeating over and over during a car
chase like the backgrounds of a cheap cartoon.
21. In the world of Transformers, everyone is
gratingly obnoxious to everyone else most of the time. (When not being
obnoxious, people either ignore one another, or tell one another they’re the
best mechanic/father/honourable knight they’ve ever seen).
22. No-one crashes two planets into one another
like Michael Bay crashes two planets into one another.
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